Living in a fog

I just haven't been able to find the strength to write down any more of my thoughts, until today. I have been spending the summer trying desperately to just get through life, and to forge on. Some days are easier than others to do that. I am surviving, but sometime sit feels like just barely. I don't cry nearly as much, but I still feel blue and unable to really make a step forward. More like just treading water. And sometimes I just want to float. But then I get scared- what if my grieving and my laziness cause us to lose our house? I just couldn't bear that. If only someone could give me the swift kick that I need. It just feels like the timing of everything is so messed up and I question everything. I wonder if this would be so hard if I was still at my old job and hadn't left to pursue my dream of teaching. Now that I am so close to that dream it scares me to death- what did I do? I mentally can't get myself motivated to find that job and I have gotten so lazy about it. It is what I want to do, but I was so fixed and excited on bringing our baby into this world, and spending the fall taking care of her. I know that it’s not what is going to happen now, but I can’t seem to move past it.