Essie's story pt 2 waiting and worrying

Around the end of week 21 I started to not feel "right". I had started getting a strange discharge and I only had felt a few flutters from the baby - no real discernable movement. I of course panicked. A call to my doctor tried to put me at ease, but it didn't help. I was still not feeling "right"- so my doctor's office encouraged me to come in for a quick check. I went in on a Wednesday when I was off from work. I was really nervous because C1 was out of town for the next week and I was afraid something was going to be terribly wrong. But, to my relief, everything was looking good- the baby's heartbeat was nice and strong, and an internal exam showed no issues- everything was just the way it should be. The doctor explained that the discharge was just normal pregnancy discharge. I left feeling so much better, and was laughing at myself for being such worrier. The next morning is when the world definitely turned upside down. I woke up really early- I was stressing out because I had a big presentation to give that afternoon as the culmination for my Master's degree so I thought that was the reason for my uneasy sleep. But when I went into the bathroom I discovered I was bleeding heavily. At first, I told myself not to panic. I thought that the internal exam the day prior had maybe caused it. But then, after a couple hours it hadn't stopped. I left a message on the doctors' service and waited for them to call back. I was told to come right in. I remember calling C1 hysterically on the phone- he tried his best to calm me down but it wasn't working. I spent what felt like an eternity in the exam room waiting for one of the doctors. Finally, one arrived to examine me. I was let down, because she's not my favorite dr in the practice- in fact I often felt like I was getting the quick brush off from her. This time, she came in and started to examine me. It only took her a second to look and then say- "I want you to stay lying down in here- I need to send you right over to the hospital." I was so confused- I had just been there 24 hours earlier and everything was absolutely fine- just me being a worry wart. Now- I was being sent to the hospital??? I even had to get there in an ambulance. I have never felt so alone or so afraid- they suggested I call my husband to meet me there, but nooo my husband was out of town- I called him sobbing hysterically on the phone to tell him what was going on and asked him to call his mom and my sisters. Once I got in the ambulance I tried desperately to make myself calm down. As we drove down the road I even tried to figure out what each cross street was as we went through it to make myself feel better. Things went pretty quickly once I got to the hospital. I was sent right to labor & delivery- but I was still not so sure what was going on. I was immediately placed on the bed and tilted, so that my head was lower than the rest of my body. I later learned that this is called "transdelenburg". The nurses were so sweet and supportive. And, one of the nicest doctors from my practice was on call, much to my relief. But her news wasn't good. After a quick exam, she explained what was happening- apparently, my cervix had opened and the sac was already through the opening. The point of the bed position was to try to have gravity push the sac back. A specialist from the fetal medicine department also came up to check me out. Her news was no better- she did not see any way to get the sac back. Then, they provided the devastating news- both doctors agreed that labor was going to be inevitable, and that at the baby's young age, there was likely to not be anything they could do for her.
By this point, my sister, and my brother -in-law and my mother in law had arrived. At first we were all confused- what did they mean? To the point? Although the baby seemed to be doing fine, as confirmed by a u/s, she was still too small to survive. "Viable" is considered 26 weeks, and I was just hitting 22. I felt crushed. "What now?" was my question. The doctors were pretty sure that I would deliver in the next couple days, so now it was just a waiting game.
I can't remember when I first cried. For the most part, I tried to remain positive. This was all such a strange event- and not anywhere in my plans or something I had even considered would happen. It seemed so surreal. Here I was, lying n a hospital labor and delivery room, with my body bleeding but not much else. Each time they checked the baby's heartbeat- there it was, beating strongly.
The doctor's initial diagnosis was an incompetent cervix. As she explained to me- it means that sometimes the cervix just opens early- no one really knows why, and it is rarely ever detected until it happens. Sometimes, they can put a stitch in place to keep things under control, but in my case, it was too late- since the sac had already descended out of the cervix and into my vagina- it was past the point of no return.
Since I was in a Catholic hospital, inducing was not an option. This drove my mother in law absolutely nuts (and she's the catholic one- not me) but for me, I think it helped put me at ease- I needed time to think about what was happening, and to make peace with Essie. I didn't know then she was a girl, but even from the beginning, I had strong feelings that she was.

Essie's Story- part 1- hopeful anticipation.

I still have a hard time believing that this is really the life I am living. I hope everyday that I am going to wake up and find out this was all part of a bad dream. But no such luck. It's our life now and it is what it is.

I figured it would be a good idea to get out Essie's story, in case anyone ever wanders over to this blog and for whetever reason feels like reading.

I can't believe I ever in my life have wanted something so badly as I want a child of my own. I mean, I remember wanting a new car, and wanting new jordache jeans in junior high when we were all but broke, but those aren't things to even compare to this feeling.

And it was with a tremndous amount of excitment and joy that C and I were anticipating the arrival of our baby. I remember taking that pregancy test in February. I was so hesitant- I really thought that it wasn't in the cards for us. Imagine my surprise when there it was that ever visible double line. I can still see it in my mind. And of course all my exhaustion and feeling fat suddenly made sense. I was still nervous though, until we had that 1st US and heard the heartbeat and knew "baby" was doing well at 7 weeks.

C wanted to call everyone right away, but I, the ever cautious one, wanted to wait- for the doctor to say "yes"- and for the 1st triemster to pass- when I felt we would be safe. It was so hard to wait- and when we hit what we thought wa steh magic beginning of our 2nd trimester, in late March, when we started to share the news. Everyone was so genuinely thrilled and excited for us.

For the most part, I felt great throughout - some food aversion, but no morning sickness, and really tired a lot of the time, but nothing to truly complain about. I was even enjoying the body changes- for once I didn't mind being "fat"- my belly was starting to look like a pregnant belly and I was thoroughly enjoying my new wardrobe. Finally- a chance to wear empire waists and not mind the way they make me look pregnant because I was!!

People kept asking us if we wanted to know what the baby was. C didn't mind either way but I wanted to be surprised. I had a 20 week U/S and made the tech keep it a surprise.

empty nest, empty heart

This roller coaster doesn't seem to stop. With C2 off to camp for the week, and C1 at work all day, this house seems so empty and lonely. I of course could be doing so many projects, oh maybe something like work on getting a job maybe? But I just can't seem to always find the motivation.

C1s back has been killing him for days, so finally we gave in and started hunting around for a new matress- not a fun task- actually it's quite aggravating. But, in some ways I feel like I needed to be doing it. Sometimes making a major purchase helps me get focused. After I don't knwo how many days and stores we finally settled one. It arrived tonight so we'll see in the morning whether the therapy worked out.

I found a little motivation to then make our room look good, and the old bed actually come sin handy in the "guest" room. I was doing OK when it all of sudden made me realize that I WOULDN'T be setting up a baby nursery in the near future. I hate when that emotion catches me off guard.- feeling like everything is OK and then POW- there's that horrible sinking feelign again.

To make myselffeel better I used teh few ounces of motivation in me this morning to pull out some weeds and to get some paint on our porch. Poor, sad porch.

unsteady and unsure

Unsteady and unsure- that's exactly how I feel right about now. I know- it's not the most creative name for a blog or a post, but I was on the spot...
I had never even thought much about blogging before- it always seemed like so much work. Besides, who would really want to read about my life anyway? Not so remarkable. So why the change? Becuase in the last year or two MY life sudenly changed. I have spent the lats few weeks reading so many others' stories, that I felt like maybe I could help myself by getting the words out of my head and onto paper, so to speak. And maybe, just maybe, they may help others too.

I am starting this because a month aago, my life came crashing into the craziest turn in the road it ever has. My husband and I lost our little girl before we evcen got to know here. Essie Faith was born prematurely at 23 weeks, and was just too little to make it.